The Killer Doughnut!
by Bad fairy
Summary: It's a killer doughnut in the boys dormitory with Sirius James and Remus! Shock! Horror! Whatever will happen next?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING EXCEPT THE GIANT DOUGHNUT! AND THE COFFEE!

"SIRIUS BLACK!" James Potter screamed, "WHAT IS THIS THING?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Sirius shouted back, "IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT DOUGHNUT AAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!" At that precise moment the giant doughnut had leaped at Sirius and trapped him in its unholy hole. "GET THIS THING OFF OF ME!"

"Wazzup?" Remus had woken up as Sirius and the giant doughnut landed on him, "AARGH!" he yelled as he saw the giant doughnut. Suddenly the doughnut gave a huge lurch and dragged Sirius towards the open patio doors.

"HEEEELLPP MMEE!" Sirius screamed, and started punching the doughnut.

"EAT SIRIUS!" James shouted, "EAT FOR YOUR LIFE!"

"I CANT" Sirius wailed, "I NEED COFFEE!" James started rummaging through his schoolbooks to find a coffee-making spell, but he couldn't. Sirius was now hanging onto the doorframe by his hands, his legs hanging in the air. The doughnut was pulling him towards the edge of the balcony.

"MOONY!" Sirius shrieked, "MAKE ME SOME COFFEE!" Desperately, Remus waved his wand and muttered and incantation under his breath. Suddenly James screamed like a girl, and a gigantic cup of frothy cappuccino landed on him.

"REMY!" Sirius shouted,

"WHAT?" Remus shouted back as he pulled James from underneath the giant mug,

"IS IT DECAF?"

"YES!"

"GOOD!" And with that, Sirius gave an almighty pull, and flew through the air, and landed with a huge splash in the cup of coffee. He started to gobble the doughnut down greedily, and the doughnut gave a piercing shriek as it was eaten. After Sirius had eaten it all, he vanished the cup and lay down on his bed, it gave an enormous creak and he smiled appreciatively,

"It had a jam filling too." he yawned, and fell asleep.

During the night there was a sudden thunder storm, lightning struck the Gryffindor tower and freaky music began playing in the background. Suddenly Sirius' body began to bulge and morph, he was turning into a giant doughnut! With a coffee-cream filling! Shock! Horror! Disgraceful tastes! KILLER DOUGHNUTS! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Don't own NUFFIN.

Sirius Black, the killer doughnut.

Sirius Black, the killer doughnut squelched quietly along the dark corridors of Hogwarts. Now and then he ate a rat. But only black ones, they tasted best. When he reached the Slytherin Common room, he sat, squelchily, in front of the portrait. The portrait was awoken by the smell of coffee-cream and she awoke with a greedy look on her face. "Ooh! A coffee-cream filled doughnut! And a giant one at that! I wonder how it got there?" She had a posh accent but it was obviously faked as she gave into the temptations of coffee-cream,

"Oh god almighty ye little fat dumpling! Get intaae mi belly! Ooh I can just feel yeh in my tummy! COME HERE!" And with that, the Sirius-Doughnut launched itself at the portrait. The portrait gave an bloodcurdling screech which brought the whole of the school to it.

A poncy looking boy bounced up to it and said in a seriously, Queen Victoria style, posh voice,

"Now, now, what is all the fuss?" The poncy looking boy sniffed at the doughnut, and gave it a detention. The Sirius-Doughnut replied by eating him. This set off a chain of reactions, first, a white haired Slytherin boy came and laughed maniacally, pointing at a small boy in tellytubbies pyjamas and jumping up and down,

"HAHAHAHA!" he shouted, seriously scaring the little boy, who proceeded to sit down and began to cry and was eaten by the doughnut, which went mad and started singing "Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! La-La! Po!" Then, the whole of the school went mad, except Albus Dumbledore, who was standing in the middle of it all, eating lemon drops and giggling insanely.

"Sirius?" Suddenly there was silence, and all eyes turned to the black-haired boy walking through the crowds, as they all heard that word, everyone's eyes turned to the doughnut and they gasped and said in unison, "That's Sirius Black?" The black haired boy continued to walk towards the doughnut, when he got there, he nodded sadly, "Yes." He said, "That _is _Sirius Black."

Duh Duh Duuuuuuuuuuh.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

IT'S THE FINAL PART IN THE KILLER DOUGHNUT TRILOGY!

The Killer Doughnut 3: The Final Showdown

James Potter stood dramatically, a single tear escaping his eye as a wind from only Moony knows where ruffled his hair. It was then that all the readers knew where Harry got it from.

"Sirius." He choked. "How could you?" The doughnut he was addressing looked guiltily at the floor, in the shadow of the heroic figure before him. It was then that Lily Evans swooned into her friends arms, giving into her heart after years of denial. And she had been VERY good at the denial, going so far as transfiguring into Snape on a set up date as a clever scheme to make Potter believe that she was in fact the slimy fruitcake. It worked for over an hour, then the real Snape was discovered, hogtied and gagged locked in one of the girls toilets.

"All these people...HOW COULD YOU!" What was supposed to be a dramatic cry turned into a strangled squeak, as James was developing into a man, much to everyone's surprise. The doughnut took the opportunity and did a single hand... er...single bodied flip onto James and devoured him. There was an echo of shock, and the hall was silent barring the crunch-crunch-crunch of Dumbledore eating his lemon drops.

"IVE GOT IT!" The white haired boy screamed. "It's the LEMON DROPS!" He grabbed the packet off of Dumbledore, who turned pale, then his eyes went red and he growled inhumanly.

"Lucius Malfoy-"

"Sssssssssh!" Lucius Malfoy spat, his left eye twitching in the most interesting way. "They cant know who I am!" Then, with the same skill as a tennis ball has at baking scones, he chucked the bag of lemon drops up into the air. All eyes were on the bag. It spun in the air in slow-mo, not one lemon drop spilling out (later on it was discovered that one lemon drop DID indeed spill out, and hit Lily Evans who later died of concussion, therefore having no father or mother, Harry Potter was born to the Weasley's as a girl named Creamy. Creamy Delight Weasley.) ANYWAY, the lemon drop spun in the air...and as a one in a million chance, landed in the doughnuts hole. The doughnut devoured it greedily, and then there was a pause. And then Sirius Black the Killer Doughnut died.

A great cheer went up, and Lucius Malfoy was crowned king of the wizards, having defeated the worst enemy Hogwarts had ever faced. Obviously they hadn't met Fluffy...

But they made one mistake. The coronation feast was the deceased killer doughnut. And so the entire population of the wizarding world (Sirius had been divided up into VERY small pieces) was turned into doughnuts. And they turned on the muggles, who ate them and the planet earth was home to billions of doughnuts, and they all lived happily ever after.

THE END!

Like it? I hope so. Read and review please!


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